A happy, long marriage is never accidental. Such a union is the result of hard work. Each of us dreams of finding the soul mate. And, of course, while taking oaths to each other, no one wants to think that this is not forever.
● What are the numbers?
But the statistics are harsh – most marriages end in divorce. This is a general trend for the entire civilized world. According to statistics, more than half of all marriages end in divorce. At the same time, 40% of couples decide on the part already in the first four years of marriage. In the next five years, another 2/3 of the total number of divorces break up. If the marriage lasted the first seven years and survived them, the risk of divorce is reduced for a while – the next wave of divorces occurs when the children grow up, and the spouses are left face to face. It is then that they start being bored in a relationship and do not believe in their common future.
An interesting fact – if the marriage was very early, then on average, it lasts a little longer than later marriages concluded after 30. There is no mystery here: young people have more patience, the desire to make efforts to be together, they themselves, in fact, are still growing. But older people are often already hard to give up their habits, lifestyle, and needs. They have formed individuals that want to meet someone mature and adequate, that is why the slightest red flag can discourage them from the further building of the relationship.
● So, what are the secrets of happy marriages that last till the old age?
No forcing each other.
This may sound corny and, at the same time, paradoxical, but the first and main recipe for a long-term marriage is the understanding of both partners that men and women are different and, at the same time, equal. This is not about knowledge as such, but about a deep understanding of this.
Very often, men try to suppress women, believe than the stronger sex is the leader in a couple that talks the woman into decisions she most often doesn’t even want to make. And it affects the inner harmony between the partners destructively. Therefore, you need not only to know but also to understand what this means – that we are different. We need to study male psychology, female, features of reactions to stress, how to solve conflicts, and physiological features. This needs to be learned and developed.
To be in a relationship, you need to learn. This is a study of each other, a study of ourselves. And this should be given priority if you want to be happy in marriage.
Everyone works on their personality and gets better.
The next sign that your relationship will be successful and harmonious till the ripe old age is the understanding that the most that we can do in our relationship for our partner are to work on ourselves, improving as a person, making ourselves more psychologically holistic and healthy.
The reality is that many of us bring emotional trauma of childhood relationships and negative life scenarios about relationships into our adult lives. And all this invades the life of the couple, destroying their relationship.
Our first relationship in life is the relationship between our parents. We get attracted to someone who resembles our parent without realizing it and thanks to God if the example is positive. Even choosing a manipulative partner and the role of a victim is dictated by our inner child and memories from that time. Therefore, you need to work on your childhood emotional traumas and negative life scenarios about relationships.
A happy marriage doesn’t tolerate making use out of the partner.
As we have already determined, one of the important signs of a happy relationship is the work on oneself of each of the partners. And a person working on their personality refuses to use a partner for selfish purposes.
Often people have this attitude: when I get a partner, then “I will acquire a sense of life,” “I will become a wife/husband,” “I will become a mother/father,” “I can be happy only then.” That is, people make their happiness dependent on another person in advance, refusing to take responsibility for their fate, placing it on their partner. This is a very infantile childhood position, which leads to a break in relations. A person with such a position will constantly expect that the partner will correspond to all their ideas, and it is very difficult for a real person to surpass a fantasy one. Only you can build your personal happiness.
And one of the important signs of harmonious relations is when a partner knows that their personal wellbeing depends only on them. This does not mean that you should not want to enjoy the relationship. But you will not get it if you put your joy in dependence on someone else.